8.29.25 i know

i deleted my instagram and facebook last night. i just think, they don't matter. others. other people.

all i care about it my future partner- and if i'm with them, why would i need to be looking at others? instagram is the only thing left you didn't block me on though. lol. but, its sad holding on to that. i never deleted a single picture you sent and shared with me on messenger either but, again, none of that stuff matters now.

today i'm taking david and grace out to oshima- its one of the best omakase in OC- a place i been wanting to take you. next week, i am taking john and his girlfriend out. the week after that i am taking tommy and his girlfriend out. tommy has been catching on- he told me he's feeling like i'm leaving. i am. i already threw and sold everything i have, my computer, closet, everything- the garage and office has been empty. every week, every day, i spend with family and friends- because i do feel like it's going to be my last days with them soon. there's still a few more things i plan on doing here- because i promised myself i would. i will remodel this house for derick a little bit, i will gift him 2 of the 3 vans. this guy has helped me stand back on my feet from nothing multiple times. before i leave, these are things i want to do for him. of course, where ever i go, i'll always see grandma, even if it means flying in every month.

no no, not like that- i'm not suicidal lol. it's just, i'm blessed i guess. with money and time where i can go anywhere and do anything i want. but i feel ready soon. to leave. i don't know where, but maybe far away. no socials, no contact, i'll be okay. i'm a big extroverted. i'm really fit now- i'm wealthy, young (31 is young, jerk.), handsome (i think so, now), and extroverted. i think i'll be okay wherever i go, whatever i do. i just don't know where home is right now. i just know it's not here.

don't worry about me.

you know, the truth is, i know.

i know you're reading this. you been reading this. (you missed 8/25 & 8/10 btw)

i know you.

i know you can't resist.

i don't know why though.

and a few days ago, i thought.

maybe because you feel sorry for me.

and i cried. a lot.

obviously i love you, obviously i wish you love me back, if even a little, but maybe you just feel sorry for me. i don't know. maybe you do, maybe you don't. what i do know is that you say you are happy- and i have to trust it. and i have to be happy that you are happy- because that's true love.

and i know who i am now. i am a much better man now. i built a new business- a very successful, stable business. i am very healthy - and handsome now. the last few weeks, i know i have been getting a lot of attention, that chinese client was actually gay lol, and had a crush on me, i had no idea. you know back then, RJ only paid me 7k a month- despite making a lot of money, he never let me see the bank account once- i never felt financial secure, so i was scared. everyday i wake up, i see messages that RJ (which includes me) owe people money. i hate it. i hated that business, that life. but now, i work by myself. no disappointment, i work whenever- where ever- owe nobody money. RJ owes me over 1 million, he claims he "mismanage it all", its hard to believe; i literally saw him online gamble hundred of thousands of dollars- but i don't even care anymore- i'm not even chasing it. i'm happy financially. this new business is much more stable and consistent, easier- no inventory, no customers. i make more than i need. i can retire my entire family and future family.

now, i know who i am. i am kind, i am committed, i am a hopeless romantic, i am loyal, and many more. i wasn't confident in who i was before, but now i am. i'm ready now.

i know what i want now. i didn't before- i think i was just kind of existing before, not sure what i was looking for. searching for what was the next thrill, finding whatever "love" was. now i know what i want.

i want to love slow. i want to fall in love, every day. i want to love her everyday. i wish that her was you- but you're not choosing me- and it's okay. i lost my chance- i understand.

this empire i built, this new person i found, this new body i shaped, i honestly would not have been able to sculpt and form if you did not break me.

i don't know what's next for me from here.

but i know i'll be okay.

i'll find my shine again.

i'm sorry for ever dimming your shine- i'm happy your shining again.

i mean this my dearest.

with my whole entire heart.

my words may mean nothing to you in the past, but my words are gold now.

my dearest, you deserve the world, even if i'm not the one giving it to you.

whatever you do, do it with all your heart, take all the risk

if you fall, i'll be there to catch you- no matter what.

even if you are old

even if you forget me

even if you have someone elses kid

even if you are sick

even if you are across the world

even if you hate me

if you fall and you call for me, i'll be there.

i love you hee yeon.

i'm happy you found your home, i'll go find mine now.

good bye, my dearest.