7.13.25 camping

My friends took me camping this weekend. I didn't want to go. In that trip, I realized 3 things.

1. The business made $700k last year, but my partner said we lost money. Backtracking what happened, I strongly believe it happened when I left everything and went to Japan. I don't regret it-I understand business was very strained and stressful, and I just got up and left next day. To him, I was unreliable and too emotional. It makes sense that was when he started planning for himself. All I wanted to do was see the love of my life. It saddens me that I was not able to communicate that well. The weight on my shoulder at the time of a crucial point in my business and seeing her who i missed so much. I couldn't tell anyone and didn't tell anyone the stress I under-and I just became mean. Rude.

2. It's hard to understand myself for doing the things I did. Being mean to someone you love, ignoring someone you care. But the more I think back about my mom and trauma I'm left with. The more I think about why my mom left and the trauma she was having. It made me think about my grandma with a different lens. She's still my sweet grandma-my best friend. But, she was not the best parent either. Not that she's to blame. When she moved from Vietnam to America, she was only able to take 5 out of 10 of her children. How can any parent make such a decisions, being forced to split your family. I know this happened when my mom (and her siblings) was very young, and I know a lot of her chilren still resents her to this day. It's a cycle of trauma that I never thought about or saw.

3. This house, with my friends and family, is holding me back. Similar to when I realized I had to move out from my grandma's, I have to move out of here. They all love me so much, but they are growing to be their own persons, and I want to grow to become my own as well. I'm going to start this process, selling my vans and belongings.

We camped in Bishop. I closed my eyes where we used to walk. My heart can't bear it. We passed the Casino, where both you and I won the mini game at a slot machine, Huff and Puff. How is this possible, what are the chances? Fuck. If that's not the universe screaming at me about soulmates then I don't know what is. I fucking lied to you and myself. I am a hopeless romantic.

I gambled and chased winnings, when the jackpot was right by my side all along.

I vow to never touch gambling again.