8.27.25 crazy?

your 3 month anniversary just passed-

congrats! i'm rooting for your success from a far.

its been 3 months already huh.

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is it crazy?

it is right?

i know.

i know you're happy.

i know you talk to him everyday- you feel loved everyday. i know- it's everything you ever wanted.

i'm just scared, worried.

you always love with everything, your all.

so much, so fast.

he's in another state- i know.

what if you move and it doesn't work out.

your parents are in Korea.

who's going to be there for you.

i'm here-

you know, i'm here

even if you have someone else's kid

even if you are old

even if you are sick

even if you are bedridden

even if you are half way around the world.

i'm here...

it's crazy.

i'd wait, a whole lifetime if i can share just one more breath with you.

i know. i have to move on, i know i know i know.

but it makes me sad knowing you don't have someone to lean on. i have derick. you have me.

but you don't want me, i know i know i know.

you hate me even. i know i know i know.

still. i still want to be that wall for you- you can kick me, hate me, but i won't waver. i finally learned what loyalty and commitment is.

so what now.

i ask myself. i ask my brain.

am i forever a second choice?

i'm smarter than that.

i mean, i'm talking to myself here.

i'm not even a choice.

so what now.

maybe i'll move on when i see you guys marry.

i know you like to move fast anyways, lol.

okay then, that's a promise to myself then?

jeez, i am crazy huh?

choosing someone that doesn't even think of me.

it is crazy.

i still choose you.

i don't know.

last night at badminton there was two new beginners- two young shy teenage girls. second time playing, they're kids. i noticed they went around and picked up old birdies to play with. i invited them to play with me- one of my friends asked me- are you sure? they're new, don't you want to play with me instead, you'll be bored.

i realized the old me used to be grumpy playing with new people- i used to be so impatient. i smiled at him and said, "i know, yeah im sure. I want to play with them." after our game i went and bought them a brand new tube of birdies and welcome them to badminton.

this morning i went to play pickleball, i signed up for pickleball class at my local community college. we all split up to play games, i just went right away and grouped up with the 3 grandmas. the older me would want to group up with the best players or the pretty girls- but i just- i don't know. i don't care to anymore. i just want to be sure these old people are having fun and are safe. i had a lot of fun, i ran around the whole court picking up every ball for both sides- i told them to save their knees, i'm picking up every ball.

i also ran into that korean man again from a few weeks ago. he remembered me- i told him to come get some food with me. he said he already ate but he is thirsty. he whispered to me, he was shocked how much money i gave him last time. lol i don't remember, but happy to help. i pressured him to get some food for dinner.

i'm starting to notice it. me. changing.

i've lost nearly 40lbs since you last saw me.

i'm shocked too, i didn't think i'd make much this progress physically, financially, professionally, socially, and everything in less than two months.

i tell tommy, i know. i crushed everything huh.

everyone thinks i'm killing it.

i work hard- i have the confidence to do anything, but you know the one thing that hard work can't change?

the one thing i truly care about.

sigh. i'm okay. minus my emotional state, everything is phenomenal. i just miss you dearly 🫶🏻, i hope he knows he's living someone's dream. i'm sure he does.

i'm happy for you.