8.12.25 living

Everyday I wake up at 4:30 AM now.

I just want to see more out of the day and see what it brings me.

Today was odd.

I was getting gas and I saw a grandpa on a walker get out of a car.

He kept staring at the meter. I ran to ask if he needed help, he said, "yes please".

I helped him pumped his gas- I wished I could have done more.

Then moments later when I dropped off packages at UPS, a middle aged korean man walked by. He looked lost. I ran to him and asked if he was okay. He said "no actually, can you buy me food and perhaps a ticket to the bus?" I told him I don't have cash.. but I have a credit card and can buy him food. So I bought him food and I asked him to stay right there and I ran to the bank to withdraw some cash.

It's odd.

I looked at my phone today.

I texted and checked in with 8 different friends.

I called and checked in with (grandma-everyday of course) and 4 different family members.

I honestly am surrounded by so many people.

so many people love me...

but

why do.... don't feel loved?

why do i still feel so lonely?

it has always been like this.

i feel like i have been blessed with a curse.

blessed with the ability to attract people to love me and want to be around and care about me. cursed to only want and care for your love.

same with business and money.

what a fucking tragedy.

also,

this doesn't matter anymore- i know, and it's random

but i just read somewhere that if you love someone

you sleep really well next to them

whenever i sleep with you, i always sleep so so well

do you feel the same? it was some study about some subconscious, i don't know.

it doesn't matter anymore.

it just stuck out to me, because of all the people i slept with,

i honestly never slept like i have with you.

anyways, i'm going to ask my therapist about this stuff.

i hope you're doing well <3

i'm so curious about your work and your friends, but anyways, bye best friend