7.10.25 joseph

today i went bike riding with joseph. i immediately talked about you and us and the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. To my surprise, he read the book too, and his whole family did. It's one of those books and shifts your mindset.

Talking it with him and being vulnerable was very pleasent. i wished i listened to you much earlier and spent more time with him. it's so sad that so many things is right, but took too long for me to realize.

he said lots of thigns that stuck out to me. firstly, he said he learned that everyone-children, adult, everyone's innate nature is to be scared. it's the default setting. when something is new, something you don't know, you get scared. i was scared to be myself with you fully and scared to fully accept you. not because something is wrong with you or because it is hard to, but because i don't know what accepting looked like. my parents never accepted me, all friendships came easy, as i told you before, i maybe surrounded by people, but i feel so alone.

i wish i saw how lonely you were. i look back now and now i see how scared you were. scared to not be accepted, scared to be left behind, scared to not be loved. and i made you feel all those things. i wouldn't want that "us" back either. i still can't accept it, but you are moving on, and i hope you the best.

another thing i realized. my mother left me behind, but i was never angry with her. i understood why she did the things she did. if she ever comes back, i will open my arms and love her like she never left. and maybe this is why i got scammed 5 times in business. maybe this is why i am where i am at. but fuck being cold and hateful, i rather be a fool and a hopeless romantic. i rather love you and talk to a wall then hate you or myself and no matter where and when, if i'm with someone or not, i will always love you and my arms will always be open- for all of you.

some of my friends say you were never mine if you left so easy, if you found someone else so easy. i know the truth, you held on- for so long, through so much. literally storms. even if we will never be together again, i wish you know that it's not all for nothing- not all a waste. i finally understand. myself. you.

it's a never ending journey, but your love gave me strength for that first step.