8.28.25 realization

Today I realized that I cause my own pain.

It's ironically a painful realization.

John tells me I am dancing in front of an empty audience-

loving you when you're already gone.

Tommy says it's one of the most painful things-

loving someone who doesn't love you back.

it doesn't matter how much i've changed.

it doesn't matter how proud you would be of who i am today.

i was telling my therapist today how we first met.

how we made each felt like children again-

how we talked like we were in middle school

how when we were together, the world didn't matter

how when with you, it felt like living

and i think that's the beauty of childhood

we didn't think about adulting, about money

about jobs, about responsibility, just living

and with you, all i cared about was you and me-

and least thats what i felt in the beginning,

but i wasn't ready then for the adulting part.

he tells me you're special to me because i believe my mom never loved me, but you did. sure, in between, many people have loved me, but your love is the only one i felt in my heart. it makes sense. my first love.

he asks me, if i'm still so much in love with you, why don't i chase you.

i say no, you say you are happy, i am going to respect that.

he says okay, now what.

so i told him- about you and him. and texas. and your parents in korea. and me wanting to wait until you marry. just in case.

then he said, "the truth is, marriages can also end in divorces- most do." i said "no, yours won't. you're amazing, you'd make it work. and they're christians."

he said, "you don't know that. christians divorce all the time.""i guess""so where are you going to draw that line."

all of this love for you. i just want you to be happy- you deserve the world. even if its not with me. of course, i wish it is with me, but it's okay if it's not.

so, back to the beginning. today, i realize that i cause my own pain.

you know, everyone always focus on the stars. everyone forgets that the dark night is what makes them visible. tonight i'll cry, but tomorrow morning when i see the moon, i'll smile- and trust that you're happy, albeit with someone else.

good bye my dearest.