7.28.25 emotionally driven

my dad visited california on december. he asked for a dinner, i went. he was with a different woman. keep in mind, my stepmom stood by his side even through his 6 years in prison, sold their business to pay for lawyers, and he had a mistress all throughout the process and she still forgave him for. fucking disgusting.

he told me he's marrying this new woman. i asked him if i had a son and i told him my son wants to grow up and be like you, what would you say. he said don't follow my steps. i said, good, so you know. don't blame me if i don't talk to you.

i'm not mad. he cheated on my mom with my stepmom after all. i'm not mad. i'm just scared. no, i don't think i'll ever cheat like him, but i'm scared to drift like him. a stable relationship is all i yearn for but seeing him throw them away left and right...

i called my step mom yesterday. she was very surprised. i told her after all these years, she has long gained my respect. any bit of help my dad provided, i know was also through her blood and sweat, so for that i thank you. i will never forget her kindness. she cried.

then i told her, talk to me.

tell me. what happened to dad.

she said i already know what kind of guy he is. i already know what happened.

i said i know, but i want to hear your story. your side. because you matter.

she cried, she said she's so lonely. a 4 bed room house, all by herself, she doesn't know what to do. she told him to leave because he wasn't even trying to hide it anymore.

it breaks my heart to see the trail of pain my dad left behind. it breaks my heart to know that i hurt you too.

i told her im scared. im scared to not have a happy relationship. im scared to be like him in that way-again il never cheat.

i told her, as my father's son, i am sorry.

as my father's son, i am sorry for the lies, the pain, the betrayal my father have done. i am sorry.

she cries more and tells me how lonely she is.

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i'm blessed right now to have flexibility. the flexibility to just gym, work on my mental health, and study. I can do this anywhere.

I want to fly over and keep her company for a tiny bit.

but idk how much "self" I have left to even give.

john tells me to slow down. slow the fuck down. i just started this journey. im moving too fast.

these same words i told you about your new happy relationship. lol. that same thought rung in my ears.

at the end of the day, i guess we are both emotionally driven huh?

i can lie and say i am not, but isn't this blog emotionally driven?

am i not hoping you'll notice me one day?

i want to love a princess, a princess that will never have to wait- never have to wait for me, never wait in line for gas, never carry anything heavy, and shower her with nourishment that makes her shine brighter than the morning sun. thats the guy i want to be.

im writing this, not knowing if you are even reading this, not knowing if it matters, not knowing anything.

i know better than to hope. emotionally driven....

but im honestly writing this for myself too.

whether you read it or not,

you will always be my best friend.

i hope your eating well today, thanks for listening 🫶🏻