8.11.25 hard. solo.

today's a hard day.

it's accepting truths and facts.

everyday i wake up at 4:30 am to exercise, then i'm at my computer, starting working at 6:30 am. this new business i built is.. kind of crazy. it's easy-kind of, but its all relationships that i have built the past 5 years in this industry and its centered around this contract that i have planted seeds for the last 2 years. anyway, i made $4,000 today by 8:30am. alex still isn't awake yet. i pause and move on to do accounting and invoicing until 11:00 am, which is 12:00pm his time. he finally wakes up- 50/50 split. he wakes up making $2000. doing nothing.

i think i'm ruining his life.

i'm starting to realize people stick by me because some how money is attracted to me. this 22 year old kid, who never had a real job before, has never known any hardships. i have been through hell the last 7 years to build these connections to get to where i am today. while he, just... was my friend.

thanks to you, i will never take what i have for granted again. no matter what i earn or get, tomorrow, i will always wake up at 4:30 am again.

it's hard- i worked alone for 4 months before and it was so lonely. i didn't care how much i was making. that's when i went to choose to work with RJ. but, i think this time, it's different. i think this time, i will like being alone.

healing from you, healing from us, healing from me, healing from everything, is teaching me to love my own space, my own peace, and my own body.

life's wild. i have a gift- a blessing, many would say. a gift- a blessing many envy. money comes easy, a few hours of work, that can be done anywhere in the world.

but i see it as a curse. i see it can ruin lives. after all, it ruined mine.

i lost the love of my life.

this time, it will be different. by myself. as a man.

i think you'd be proud of me.

if you ever saw me again.

but then again, you look at me with such hate in your eyes, ahh.

i love you like the moon.