7.20.25 change

I was talking to some friends today, and they said I should be angry. At losing my business, at losing my partner, at so many things. It's okay to be angry.

I don't know, I'm not. the only anger i can muster is the anger of who i was and how i treated you. I very much accept the us from before is gone. and i am more than ready to kill the me from back then.

i am working on it. for me.

i wish i can tell you i am not longing for you back, but i do. but i know if i don't kill the old me, i will die alone.

of everything spinning in my life right now, i only have one emotion.

i am starting to think my purpose is to my partner.

i want to be that guy that fills in gas for my partner's car every week.

i want to be that guy that fills the refridgeator with her favorite food

and fresh bedsheets every week.

i want to be the guy that was written by her.

it's so weird. it's such a big change of thinking, but these thoughts have always occured in my head- believe it or not.

but i have always shut it down. "no, don't be a simp", "no, where's your self-respect", "no that's obsession, not love". but i been spending a lot of time lately actually listening to myself more.

and that's still a purpose. i will embrace it. i am working out very hard, learning new skills, and being mindful and consistent to be the partner a princess deserves.

i know there's no love for me anymore.

i wish we met again somehow, with a clean slate.

i hope you're eating well.