8.08.25 my first post

I talked to my therapist yesterday and to my surprise, he encouraged me to keep posting. You're my best friend, whether you read or not.

You're my best friend, whether or not you exist any more.

And you make me a better person.

And, I am madly, madly in love with you.

I am very healthy and proud of who I am today.

I end my day feeling accomplished as a good grandson, friend, worker, and person.

This is going to be a big talk, because I missed you so much best friend.

I wish I can hear you talk back, I want to hear about you.

How's your life, how's your day, how's work, how's your real dad's health

did your grandpa's car ever get fixed, is your mom happy in korea,

did they buy a place yet, is toro getting fat, there's a million question i want to ask you.

but i guess, i'll have to keep wondering...

Months ago, there was so many things I hate about myself.

The basic little things, matters. The daily exercise, the skin care routine- oh I wish you can see my skin now! I bet I look younger than you!! Hah. I have so much energy every day now.

No more games, less music, more thoughts, more peace.

But that's the easy stuff.

I hated about never telling Alan, my Alan, the truth. The truth that I pushed him away from the first business so he doesn't have to suffer from the enormous tax we owed the IRS. I finally reached out. I secretly have been having RJ send him some money these past few years, maybe 5k or 10k here and there to help him. I finally told him. Turns out, he doesn't care. He hates me. It wasn't my decision to make by myself- and I agree. I had such an ego and I made decisions for people. I finally faced him.

Speaking of the IRS, I finally caught up on my taxes. Guess what. You won't believe it. I didn't either. I'm embarrassed. uhmmm... turns out... I've been making a million dollars every year since 2022... I know right? what the fuck? how? where's the money? huh? no way? that's what i said. i sat there for a good 30 minutes arguing with my tax lawyer saying that's impossible, but he showed me that the IRS had receipts. and they did. turns out i'm really good at stocks, i made 250k on stocks (i did?!), 450k from that business, and 250k on that business... dude I don't know. I just know, I reinvest everything and RJ left me with nothing. I never looked in the bank, he never gave me access. Regardless, I finally paid off all my taxes. I took a screenshot of my W2. A million dollars a year... if my family found out.. oh my god. I don't know how to manage money. I need someone's help :(

So, RJ left me with nothing. It's a weird. I talked with my friend recently and because of me, he made 250k. He said he has enough money for the next 10 years, but he is still worried. He asked me how much I have and why I'm not worried. I told him I have like 15k left, maybe enough for a few months... but I'm not worried. And it makes me think to myself.. wait... wtf is wrong with me? I should be worried. Why am I not?

Through this healing journey, I learned a new relationship with money. To me, there is only 2 kinds of money now. Enough and not enough. Fortunately, I am blessed to somehow be able to make a lot of money very easily. Right after that conversation with my friend, the fruits of some seeds I planted 2 years ago sprouted. I planted this seed 2 years ago when I saw the potential of this market. I saw how easy, profitable, and clean this business was and I wanted to be apart of it. I built relationships and signed up to be a supplier for this the longest time-never expected to be considered. I got a call- I was asked to help.

It's an insurance contract- it's for Assurance, supplying phones for people who broke theirs under phone insurance. When their phones get replaced- I supply them. Every 2 weeks, I get a list of phones the company needs, and I go source them. It's kind of crazy, this is easier, cleaner, and faster than my previous business. I made 10k in 2 hours and I only sourced 5% on that list. This business-is a business good enough for life. So for me, money oddly, is always enough.

I talked to my friends and therapist these past few weeks about my ego. Money did change me. I was happy. I am happier when I am around kids- which is why I signed up to be a volunteer. I find myself more... feeling at home? at peace? around children. But since I quit teaching, I hated myself- I felt like I gave up on myself. The students and their families loved me. I looked backed and I realized I got a few emails and Instagram DMs last year of my students' parents asking me to go to their high school graduation because I was so impactful to their lives in that 1 year of middle school teaching. I fucking ignored it. Because I was so ashamed- I felt like I quit on them- and quit on myself. But, I'm not ignoring it anymore. I'm finally being honest to myself.

I asked my therapist about this. I told him about my story too- my business stories. Success and failures and all that... he labeled me as uber successful, I guess, I told him I don't see or feel that, I have nothing to show for it, but I guess I did earn a 7 figure salaries. he then told me most uber successful people are psychopaths... they achieve that success because they don't care about other people's feelings. I told him, I think that sounds like me, I don't care. I don't think I care about much- but he said I'm wrong. I said it myself, I'm too emotional for business. Actually, I'm only too emotional when it comes to you. Ellen. It's crazy. I feel like I have been a robot my entire life, and then I met you. And you showed me I have a heart. But in the process of showing me, I treated you so mean. How can I. I'm so sorry. But, man. Who are you. You're not "just another girl".

But now, I sit here, with all this time. Working 2 hours a week. I do- I visit grandma almost everyday, gym everyday-read everyday. I don't play games anymore, I don't even nap anymore. I sit here, wishing I could spend more time with you. Wishing I take you to work everyday, bringing you lunch, driving you home. All this time, I sit here and I wonder..

How's your life, how's your day, how's work, how's your real dad's health

did your grandpa's car ever get fixed, is your mom happy in korea,

did they buy a place yet, is toro getting fat, there's a million question i want to ask you.

but i guess, i'll have to keep wondering...