8.09.25 suicidal tragedy

How is this possible? How are you and I possible?

The first week- that first day, I honestly was suicidal. I don't know. I had to be on facetime with Alex until Derick came home from work. Looking back now, I don't understand how that's possible. How crazy I was for you. How can I love you so much. How can I want you so much.

what's crazy is, i know you told me you had similar thoughts for me before too...

I told tommy the second week, i'm leaving. i'm leaving this house, this city, this state. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to be with anyone anymore. i felt so empty. again, i know you too felt like this...

knowing you too were once here, feeling like this, breaks my heart to even smaller pieces. knowing i am the reason for that, throws me into a deeper hole. it's crazy. how can someone love another person this much? i'd die for you. i'd move for you.

you once would have done the same for me. isn't it crazy? we are so similar. we are the same, just a few months apart. i watched so many heartbreak videos on tiktok, youtube, to try to console my heart. one of them told me to write down a list of values you have- and in that i will see that other people will have those values too. in those values, what i saw is that- all i care about is family. all i care about is love. all i care about is my partner. our hobbies, values, interest, all aligns so well and perfectly, and now i see even our fucking emotions. it's crazy. we're so similar.

just months apart. that's fucking crazy.

however.

you gave me clarity.

you.

you gave me love.

love in a way that never felt before.

my therapist defined me as uber successful- top 1%, but a psychopath.

a robot. and that's exactly how i felt. sure, i did emotionally things, but i did those because i was taught to, not because i felt it. i really did feel like a robot.

until i met you.

you showed me that i am capable of love, because i fucking love you so damn much- even though it's too late. you showed me i have a heart.

i understand.

i understand that this needed to happen, the old us would have never made it.

two broken hearts doesn't make a full one.

i need to be healed to help you heal- if we were to ever have a chance.

and i am healing, but i am afraid i'm losing you....

the truth is, i already lost you.

what a fucking tragedy. "right person wrong time"

that's bullshit. don't you think?

we're so similar, yet months apart. god showed me how to love at the expense of losing the love of my life.

what a fucking tragedy.

the world tells me to move on, but i don't think i ever will.

i think i'll always look up at the moon every night and think, what a fucking tragedy.