8.13.25 julie

ah.

I wish you could meet the man I am today.

I think you'd be very proud.

I know you wouldn't believe me.

It's okay. I understand.

I miss you, and that's okay too.

I hope you're well!

-------

Julie showed up at my house today.

It- was out of nowhere.

She just texted me and asked if I was home- I was not.

She said ok, I'm coming over anyway. I opened the door for her, and she waited for me to come home. I already knew what it was about- she knows I'm going through a heartbreak. I'm maybe the only person she thinks could understand how she's feeling right now. Her mans cheating on her-he's been cheating on her and she's also feeling broken. Anyways, I came home (super tired, woke up at 6:30am to drive 5 hours to Carson to meet a supplier, but it's okay, she needed a friend), and sat next to her.

She refused to cry, she said she only cries alone. She's tough, she doesn't need anyone, she's only there for Bailey. lol. I told her it's okay to cry. I cried, I still cry, it's normal to cry. Feel the emotions, we're human. I tried to bury my emotions for the longest time, most of my life, and it only did me harm. I wished so much that I showed more emotions with you. So I pleaded with her to cry. I told her, it's not her fault. Don't blame yourself, he didn't cheat because you weren't enough. He didn't ignore you because you weren't enough. It's not you. It's him. I know. I am able to say those things, because I am self aware enough about you. I cried enough for you. I hope you know, that you are enough. I hope you know that I didn't ignore you, because you weren't enough. It was me.

Yeah, that opened the flood gates. She cried. a lot. It's okay. We're all human, we're all broken, trying to heal. She shared how hard it has been, how long she knew, how cold he's been. I encouraged her to go to therapy, encourage her to let him go, and just really listen. After a while, I invited to take a walk to a park- nature heals. So I drove her to a park, we walked around, and talked about attachment styles. He's an avoidant like me.

Sigh. Avoidants suck. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't date an avoidant either.

She's so hurt, and it breaks my heart. It makes me think about how much pain I put you in. It makes me think how much harm I've caused. How much bad I've done. She said I'm different, I didn't cheat, but it doesn't matter. pain is pain. I know, I hurt you, and it's not okay.

And I understand... understand why you'll never look back at me. why you'll never think of me, why we'll never be. it makes me very sad.

because

i think i am becoming someone you have always wanted.

i think i am becoming someone you are very proud of.

someone who's strong enough to manage both mine and your emotions, someone your kids can look up to, someone you can lean against, someone who can retire you and your parents, someone who will love you forever, someone who will never give up on you.

i look at julie and the pain in her eyes.

i understand.

our story, our book is... going to be a tragedy not a romance.

but, i promise- and i keep my word now.

i will walk every day, being the best person i can be, to every person i see, doing as much good as i can. and when anybody asks why. i'll say because i met you.