8.23.25 mornings

4:30am every morning.

the beauty of this time is when

i drive to the gym, i look up, i get to see the moon.

every morning, i look out the window and i look and think of you. i don't get to see a glimpse of your life anymore, i know you're happy but at least i get to look up every morning and see the moon- sometimes a full moon, sometimes a sliver of it. sometimes it hides behind the clouds, but i will always look for it.

the cloudy days- like today, it rained, i worry.

are you sad? are you okay? can i hold you?

then i remind myself that i am being delusional.

you're gone and these questions are no longer mine to wonder.

today i took one of my business clients out for dinner- he is from china and only started working at his company for a few months. he doesn't have much friends, so i wanted to share a meal with him. i asked him what his goal was- life goal, what he wishes for himself.

he said he wants enough money to travel and live in Thailand.

ah i wish we can travel together. anyways, he asked what was mine. i told him... to look at me. honestly, i make half of what his boss makes, it's a lot of money; i'm doing very well. i'd give all this up for a happy family. not the american dream kind, but the kind where we dance together in the kitchen randomly and make each other laugh late at night. that stuff doesn't cost money.

i never got to do that with you. i spent time with you but i really never really did. we never built foundations, i know i didn't make you feel safe-i too was scared.

so. my dream... is to dance with you in your kitchen in our pjs.

i know, delusional, but that's why it's a dream right.

i look forward to seeing the moon tomorrow.

i hope your doing well.

i wish- ah. enough delusions for today.