8.17.25 torture

it has been hard.

i know healing isn't linear but today was one of those days.

i realized i have been abusing myself, and today i have been doing it extra. I woke up at 4:30 am and just start quietly working. At the gym, on the back yard, on the front yard, on the garage, on the house, on my room, on the car, at badminton.

i put airpods on, i didn't want to talk to anyone.

i just kept working 4:30am, straight before sunrise until sunset. no breaks, no food, no talking.

then by night time while i was driving home, i felt my body scream at me- it was hungry, it was tired. i know. my heart is worse. my mind is worse.

but i started telling myself, that's not healthy. i know i miss you, but this is not the right way to do it. If i faint while driving then everything will be meaningless. i was thinking about calling a friend, asking them to tell me to eat- to hold me accountable. but i didn't want to talk to anyone. the only voice i wanted to hear was yours.

but i drove myself to eat some sushi.

this is not how i will miss you. through self harm.

i will eat.

i will be healthy.

i hope you're eating well.